Today I am going to invent different breads and bake them for Jonathan.
Yesterday I made bread and shaped it into a teddy bear. I basted it with butter, cinnamon and sugar! It like a cinnamon roll bear. yummy.

Our new public Library just opened so I think I'm going to look for some cook books or something there. It's weird not having a job... and being a wife. I actually enjoy cooking up different meals for Jon to come home to, its a good way to be creative and make my day go by faster.

I hope unemployment comes soon:)


Nothing too exciting with my life. I have another Ultrasound on March 20th... I will be about 32 1/2 weeks by then.

This entry was pretty much a wordy check list of what I want to get done today.

Hello Lovelies, I've missed you.

Things in my life have taken an incredible turn.

I am pregnant. 27 1/2 weeks pregnant to be exact. so thats like 6 1/2 months or so. I am having a baby boy and he is due on May 14th. He was diagnosed with Cleft Lip and Cleft Palate. It will take some surgeries after he is born to get his palate the way it should be and his lip, but its nothing life threatening. I am nervous to be a mother. What an innocent life to leave in my hands. I believe in myself, I believe in Jonathan. We can raise our son in the best way we know how. I fear that I will be to much of a friend to my child and less of a mother. I want to be both. It's so important to have a mother who loves you and understands you, yet also has authority in your life. We are naming our baby boy Reuben Israel Goss.

By the way, I am married as of new years eve.... Jon and I just decided that was the day. We just went for it. I am glad to not of had a fancy wedding and just do something in the court house. My mom was too involved with previous wedding plans. I felt like it was her wedding and I was just a doll she was playing with.... None of my ideas really matched hers. I am a hippie at heart, and care-free. I wanted something more earthy, my mom wanted something extravagant. Very formal just isn't comfortable for me. Jon and I will probably renew our vow's some day and make it an experience of how we wanted our wedding to be.

We are living in the Brookshore apartments. We have a loft along with a downstairs bedroom. We have a walk in closet upstairs which is huge!! We were looking at hydroponic setups at the shop downtown and we could set up something in our closet for about 500$ just starting out. Imagine growing fruits or veggies in your closet:P I wish I had my own house so we could actually do some gardening.
We also have a fire place in our apartment which is nice but it doesn't put out much heat.

My life is very quiet and very calm. I haven't been this calmed down since I can actually remember in my life. Maybe its a first? I feel like a completely different person these days. Being married has settled me down along with being in a relationship with one person for so long. I've really lost my interest in hanging out with friends often, partying, concerts, doing anything that requires being social. I'm not depressed, I just don't have much to me anymore. Jon says I am like a little hermit crab... I don't want to do anything that involves anyone lately. I think he is starting to get bored, as am I. I just have nothing that excites me enough to get me going. Jonathan works at Good Samaritan Hospital in Corvallis.... and I lost my job. It's hard to find a new job being pregnant so I just hang out at the apartment all day. I go on walks, work on art, practice cooking, re arrange the baby room. I guess I've become boring..... haha

crazyness. I need to snap out of being so mellow. I think I'm going to drive myself crazy here soon.

I need some motivation to want to become motivated. Where do we get that from?

Mostly life is good. I do manage to visit some friends, and sometimes have company over. I visit family more than I had previously been spending time with them. There are tons of people I miss. maybe I just have given up on being a part of their lives again some day, as them a part of mine. The only part of my life my past friends are in, are the missing part of my life.. They have become memories and people that i think of often and find myself missing too much. I miss my past, but the future has so much yet to come.. maybe it will be better than what I've already lived?

im moving out of jons parents house.

he gets to find out in 20 min.

a part of me is really sad and another part is relieved.

I am engaged.

I tried on my wedding dress on saturday, and my mom paid to get the lace up back alterations done.

I am way excited.

Our official date is

July 26th 2007

Let me know if you want to come, i need your address.

yay!

I got offered a job at Regent Court memory center in corvallis by the hospital.

I get to be a care taker for old people with memory problems.

sometimes people forget who they are and what they are meant for.
Distractions.

my perceptions are way off. I don't know if leaving west Linn was the best idea for me.

my life seems like a joke almost. The most awkward things happen to me and to people that I know. Is this real?

I feel like my mind is off or something. We all see life in a different perspective, mine just feels completely abnormal.
I have taken a step back to look at the bigger picture. If I were to look at myself and watch my life I see a very confused person wandering with no distinct destination. I don't really know what I am doing, where I am going and what I am even trying to pursue. Why am I making all of these thoughtless decisions? I have the tendency to draw near and cling to the the things that make me feel real, existent, and give me a relation to life. These things could be people just as well as places. do i really want or need these people or things in my life or are they just what i thrive off of to feel alive or like I am a part of this world?

my sense of belonging lyes only in the here and now and i don't have any kind of personal desire for my future. I think i am content with just the feeling of existing somehow to someone or some place or something.

insane.. you would bet a million dollars on it.

i feel completely insane and at the same time i am sane enough to have that faith and belief that there is something more..... i am meant to live for so much more.. how do i find the more? what is the more? do i really want it? or am i fine living life in the comfort of just existing off of others wanting me around, things needing me... like a job.
i feel crazy yet unemotional. i am attached but transitioning into detached if anyone or I could help it.


yet again stuck. or just empty.


but why am I living to keep feeling this same way? I never want anything I have, and I always want everything I had, or could think up having and enjoying.

i seen a grow operation last night. it was amazing, and huge. They just picked the harvest and leaf was lying all over tarps and tables. there were lots of cool things in there.

we got ripped from taking a billion bong hits, and ate A king crab leg, steak, baked potato, corn on the kob, salad feast.
It was the most delicious meal. It was an alice in wonderland party.

20 ppl sat around a table of mis matched chairs. we were all squished in together real tight. I was given a princess halo to wear and its beautiful. it is wire weaved with pearly beads. both sides of the table ended up talking about my amazing boobs. hahahahahha wtf?



life is a joy,,,, for the most part.

I'm not addicted to drugs...

I just like doing them whenever I can.

fry fry fry
acid acid acid

la cunt hole

lots of dank herb

hot box the shower

I got in the Ass last night and it was fucking hot.

I never knew I would like that.

mmmmmhmmmm.

fried on mush 2 days in a row, and my birthday was great.
a friend who grows made me birthday brownies, and i got to help make them which was fun. It was green heaven. haha. The brownies were delicious.


Yesterday was my birthday, in the morning Jon made me breakfast, eggs, toast, sausage, corn dog, hashbrowns. mmm.

and then we ate and drank shrooms. Chris came over and ate some shrooms with us. He brought me a CD as a present, he made it. He raps. Its a good one, i appreciate it.

today is school.

i might go for a day and drop out.


maybe eat more mush.

The trippiest thing happened today.

This morning I drove to timberlinn park and sat there listening to some song on my ipod. I just finished smoking a phatty joint.....

I noticed all these Raven birds around my car... and flying and sqwuaking and more would come, and they just seemed to realize i was there.... i stared at them and feelings rushed through my mind and body, feelings that i couldn't explain or re create on my own. A tear fell down my cheek and i looked down for a few seconds, i looked back up and the birds were gone and i broke down into tears. bawling my eyes out. I was very uppset. and longed and missed someone. A raven is a huge resembelence of this guy i had a really deep relationship with for a while. when i saw the birds i thought of the times he would say he is always there and can be anywhere and see me....

okay so i never believed he really could be anywhere but he said he has super powers... i would just thikn he was trying to be cute...

well later on i went to another park in albany... i went and smoked a bowl and this guy came, he rolled us a joint cuz i didnt know how and we talked. we went back to where all the pic nic benches were and he introduced me to all the park people. i just laughed with most of them and i was really intrigued by how interesting they were. Unique. we switched tables after a while and i met more interesting ppl. one in particular. i sat next to him.. and his wife went to the next table and played cribbage with someone. anyways......
as soon as i looked into this guys eyes i knew i knew him. he looked exactly like the guy, the guy i though tof this morning, the one that i thought of was there when the ravens were all around. it was crazy. so we were talking a little and just things he said reminded me of this guy. he asked my name and he relaly liked it, said it reminded him of a fairy tale. i was like hmm. and then he told me his name... Djay. and i turne dwhite, he wa slike ar e you okay? DJAY thats the guy who resembles ravens and who i saw when i looked in this guys eyes.. this was djay the same one it had to be... but no, his tatoo's were gone... and al of a sudden we were talking and he was rambling on about powers and asked me if im powerful, and i somewhow said somewhere along the conversation i believe in karma and he was asking me about that and then asking me if i believed in voodoo, witchcraft and such and such.. okay well anways he was like, talking about time travel and how he can be anywhere he wants to be whenever he wants to be there... and blah blah.. and i fucking thought i was going crazy.

for some reason i ultimately believe that djay came and saw me in different forms. i know this sounds crazy but i believe its possible. im so freaked o ut, really.

how did he do it?

Its nearing my 20th birthday. September 24th.

Jon and I are going to fry on mush in the morning and all day and then enjoy a lovely dinner with his family:)

I love Jon, our relationship is unexplainable. I love him though.

he loves me back.

The Valley is really down on its herb status. So many people are dry now, too many busts.
The price has gone up and it's just not weighing out like it used to. I was going to make some special brownies for my birthday but thats just way too far off budget now, considering.[

Oh I went to court two days ago... The lowered my fine and I applied for diversion. I only hope the evaluator decides that I am good to go without having to take classes and pay 2000$ for them.

New xbox 360 game collection, so far I have Guitar hero 2, Bishock, Gears of War, and Rainbow Six




IMISSYOUDEAR

Jon left today. I did get to say goodbye on the phone and he left me a really sweet message of love.

I will for sure miss him. I cried when I found out he was leaving for the fire today.

today was decent, i am sore from work.

I fried. Shrooms are really amazing. I love them.

E CAN BLOW ITSELF
BLOW CAN BLOW ITSELF

I really like to get baked. I bought an ounce two days ago and I am going to get myself really high right now. I enjoy going to the park and sitting on my peaceful tapestry. I share the love with as many people as I can. I think that it is important to be giving with herb, and really let others enjoy it for what it is. More people would be positive about legalization if they knew the magic it holds.


I love my boyfriend, he is also my very best friend in this life.

Bob Dylan is my hero as Woody Guthrie is his. I purchased a documentary on Bob Dylan for my Ipod and watched it last night, its incredible. I would only dream to be a poet as he is some day. He is beyond talented. I am not a musician and I might take that up in the future, but I am a poet, and I love to spill my soul. I want to learn every word and embrace its definition and use them all in my poems.

Finger painting has been the outlet of my creative bursts.

While I was in Redmond a couple weeks ago, I met my soul mate best friends. They are more than I could ask for. I am sincerely considering moving there and just commuting to work on the weekends since I only work 3 days a week.

Life is flowing free and I am loving all that has been coming my way.


I don't remember the last time I actually felt sad or was longing for the past. Usually I miss tons of people, but I feel like I have everyone I need in my life right now. I would love to meet new people, and it would be refreshing to see a few distant friends, but I am happy non the less. They must be fine without me too, because I don't hear from them either.

I miss Jon, my boyfriend. He is really an inspiration to me to work hard. He is out fighting forest fires in Eastern Oregon right now. I love that my boyfriend saves the forest:) Tree's are a beautiful gift.

I am outraged.

I got a job interview. yayuh.

Banker. oooh sweet deal.


Willamette federal credit union


I would have never guessed. my sister gets to pee in a cup for me. haha.




I miss Jon

i miss Jon.
He is in lake tahoe for a week.
I watered his family's garden today.

I hung out at monteith park most of the day, and toked it up with random park people.

I took part in the tuesday feast at the park that a church does. we got ice cream sundaes after dinner. mmm.

I rode my bike some.

I got more ice cream. hahaha.

I smoked more weed.

I blazed almost all day.

I need to get a pipe. I have no money for one.

I need to find a job and be able to pass a UA
and I miss Jon still. :)

we talked on the phone a little today, but his connection was bad and his phone died.

Sunday he will be back. that seems so far.

i have a boyfriend as of yesterday.

wow.

this will be fun. yay for YAY!